I am the first Mammal to wear pants

Riding the train invites the lowest common denominator. You don't need a licence and you don't have to pass a test. Sometimes you don't even need a ticket or a Go Card to ride the train.

I saw a group of two guys and two girls board the train. They jumped on just before the train doors shut. The only thing that would have completed the picture would have been if one of them had have rolled on his/her back, shot his/her hand out of the door and retrieved his/her hat just as the doors closed! It didn't happen though. But I was still humming the Indiana Jones music in my head.

The only thing that this group didn't count on was that they jumped into the carriage where the ticket checking guards were operating. And, whoops, one of them didn't have a ticket.

Now, I have heard some pretty disparaging remarks about the ticket checking guards from my fellow passengers. I don't go for those kind of remarks. I have branded the ticket checking guards as 'the speed cameras of the rail system', though. You know, they are there for both regulatory and revenue reasons. This being said, I was happy to see this group almost literally jump into the arms of these speed cameras.

One guy was asked where his ticket was ad he gave some really lame excuse for not having one. He said something about having left his ticket in his other pants. "Don't worry buddy, we've all been there!" The speed camera said that if he couldn't produce a ticket, he'll cop a fine. The speed camera then asked the guy where he was going. It was everything I could do to not chuckle, snort or laugh, when I heard, "I'm going in to town to go to Court." Great impression on the Judge there boss. "Sorry your Honour, I'm running late because I was getting a fine on the train for not bothering with a ticket." The funny thing to me was that when this guy got his $150 ticket, he was mad at the speed camera. Not in front of the speed camera, of course. Only when the speed camera was out of ear shot did the profanity-laden tirade commence. But this guy was treating it like it was the speed camera's fault. It's funny how the simple mind works, sometimes.

Another ticket incident occurred when I got off my train and got on my bus. The young guy in front of me did not have  ticket and the bus driver asked him, "Did you just come off the train?" The young guy said, "Yeah." The bus driver said, "Didn't you have a ticket for the train?" The young guy came back with a pearler, "I didn't need a ticket. I only went two stops." Again, I had to work hard to control the laugh. But it has led me to ponder, how many stops must a person travel before one needs a ticket?

These two occurrences, both coming from the shallow end of the gene pool, have led me to ponder the world conquering dominance of the Homo-Sapien. It has also raised the question in my mind, "When is it ok to say, "The rules/laws just do not apply to me right now?"

I could not help thinking, when I witnessed both of the above situations, 'what would the world be like if we all just said "to hell with the rules/laws" and we just did what we wanted, when we wanted'? I know the first reaction would likely be, 'sweet, it's finally all about me', but think about it. I mean, I have to pay higher train ticket prices to cover the jokers who think they either do not have to pay at all, or that train rides of less than five stops do not require a ticket. I am sorry, but they do, and you need to pay instead of making me pay for you, you selfish little prat.

In the movie Spiderman, they say a line over and over and over. They say, "With great power comes great responsibility'. Corny, yes. Perhaps that's why I like it. But it rings true. Mankind rules the world. The most dominant species, etcetera, etcetera. But with that dominance comes responsibilities. I am sorry to sound like your Mum, but there are rules that must be adhered to, by everyone, if we are to co-exist and continue to grow in peace and unity. And that means you have to do things that you might not necessarily want to do. Like eat your greens, or stop stealing things, or shave when your wife tells you to even if you can't be bothered (I love you, Honey). That is what I like to think being part of a civilised society involves. I guess it could be considered the cost of living in a civilised society. That there is a little give and take in terms of us all doing our best to put ourselves aside for the greater good. Being a little less selfish and have a little more empathy.

We may be the first Mammal to wear pants, but that doesn't mean we can drop them and have a scratch when we have company over for dinner.

Silky smooth

It's been said that the only problem with public transport is that the public can use it. I catch the train to and from work every day and there are definitely times that the public make it... interesting. I like to think of riding on the train in the words of Forest Gump, "You never know what you're going to get." I have decided that riding on trains comes down to the age old optimist vs pessimist argument; is the train half full or half empty.

Owing to the fact that I am on the train every day, I see some interesting things. Some things make me laugh, others make me reflect. Yet others make me wonder about the world in which I live.

For those who have seen the show 'Cheers', you'll appreciate the analogy. For those who have never seen the show, please feel free to nod politely. For me, catching the train is like the theme song to Cheers. The difference is that everyone knows my face, not my name. Unless they followed me home, went through my garbage and stolen my mail. And let's be honest, I wouldn't put it past some of my fellow travellers.

I have decided that people are creatures of habit. Train users tend to have 'their own seats'. That is to say that people normally sit in the same carriage and in the same seat every day. For example, if I was to catch the 8:07am train and sit in the 3rd carriage, I could confidently and competently predict who would be getting on at each stop of my train ride. "Tattoo girl will get on at this stop". "Plaid shirt guy will get on here and sit near the door". And you do know that if you get on my train, I will give you a name. That being said, I do appreciate that others have named me. I imagine it would be something along the lines of 'Interesting without being a tool guy'.

A negative of this practice of getting on the same carriage and sitting in the same seat is that you become predictable. And there are those who would use this predictability against you. I like to sit in different carriages and in different seats. I do this to stay one step ahead of any terrorists who might be following me or tracking my movements. It's all part of being alert, not alarmed.

The positive of being predictable, and choosing the same carriage every day, is that your carriage becomes a surrogate family. When 'comb-over man' doesn't get on the normal train, at the normal time, everyone gets a bit worried. We all wonder if he was just running late or if something more sinister has happened. Of course we don't actually ask him when he next gets on the train, but I am sure he knows we were thinking of him.

Talking to people on the train is tricky at the best of times. As much as there is a family feel to the carriage, it's probably more of a dysfunctional family. It's like we have had Christmas together where one child has stolen another child's present and the parents of the first child have not reprimanded the child in a manner that appeases the parent of the second child. The problem then blows out when child two decides to exact revenge and punches child one. The parents of child one demand something be done, but Dad of child two says something like, "nice right hook son. He had it coming." By that time, it's all over. The turkey dinner is ruined, people swear they will not come next year and the grand parents are crying. You know what I mean. And that is how it feels in the train carriage family. We are together, and that is enough. We don't have to talk.

But the then you are sitting there, minding your own business, when someone decides to talk. The man who sat next to me began talking one day. The funny thing was he was not talking to me. He was muttering things under his breath. At first, I tried to casually look as though I was still filling in my Sudoku puzzle, whilst trying to listen to what he was saying. Then I understood what he said. "Silky smooth skin". He said it over and over again. At first, I admit, I was a bit freaked out by that proclamation. Then I reflected, and almost thanked him for the compliment. After all, I do try to take care of myself. I will admit that I was wary of a hand coming across to rest on my knee, but thankfully that never eventuated.

It was then that I decided that I needed to keep mixing up my carriage and seat arrangement. If not for the terrorists, for the crazy mumbling guys who wanted to get closer than I did. After all, that was only our first train ride together. And I'm not the kind of guy who goes there on the first train ride!